28 May 2021

My third day of sophisticated trading. I have calmed my mind and promised to be mindful. But I didn't know it would the most horrible day of my entire trading career. I almost got wiped and was down 6K on that day. I had nervous breakdown and kicked myself for enlarging my losses. 

When I was placing this market orders with leveraged margin I was as if talking to myself is it me who is doing it? The FOMO and need to make it back because of feeling that market owes you was so strong. I cried I struggled. It was so hard to walk away from computer with substantial losses. And this all happening just on third day of my trading career!!!

How I started my day. In the morning I had calm mind and did some outstanding short trades and made somewhat 1k. I was complacent. I remember myself urging myself to finish the ongoing trade to get into the other one whose chart was promising. As soon as I covered my winning trade I immidiately opened short position in the other trade. But I ignored that at that time it was not relevant because volume increased so much. I was just preparing myself for an hour to get into that trade and eventually when I could I didn't double check and got in. Fomo that the other chart is very attractive and that I am missing out on that trade made my mind blind I got into that new trade just because I was waiting too much. I got bored by my ongoing trade and wanted to open a new.

As I result I got squeezed. All my gains over 3 days have gone down the drain and I am down now 1k. I was angry and frustrated I started crushing everything. I was thinking how on earth you can study for years and lose the very first days of your trading career. Just after I got squeezed I immediately flipped long with max size available to me just not to feel myself a loser.

And this second unmindful trade got me even deeper in losses. Now over to 2k. I was sweating, crying and ready to crush my computer. It is because I spent too much emotional resources to staty calm but when it doesn't work it bursts out. That evening I had nervous breakdown. I was doing revenge trading with max size allowed to my account getting me down and down in losses. Eventually I felt under PDT requirement and was suspended from trading. 

God damn why this has to happen to me on the third day of trading. After I calmed down I though if I just stopped out after my first loss of 1k. I could have made it back so quickly. But I lost my mind. I still thought I can gamble my gains over my initial account size and use market order with leverage margin because of uniqueness of the situation (AMC runner for example). As a result next day I understood that that was no special event and that if you cut your loss quickly and step out and don't revenge you can make it back so quickly. When you get emotional or frustrated you are not who are. I literally was shocked and surprised was it indeed me at that highly emotional time trying to ruin my account and my life?

I thought I could jump all those rules and journaling and make some quick money leveraging my size and postponing real mindful trading. It was hurting so much that I invested so much money and time trading and still be not profitable yet. It is only second or third day of trading. Thia looks like not habit but disease.

Just because I lost 5% of my account. I lost my mind and drove myself into losing 15% of my account.

I am glad this unfolding during first day of my trading career so that I am prepared now for future trades.