This journey has been pretty tough. I am thankful for progress, but I'm just so negative and what I can't have effects me. So let's talk about it. First starting with what I don't have and transitioning on a positive note on how I can have it after I have proved to strive for other things and attained them. I'm not even going to talk about things from small to big from the outside looking in, but just things that may or most definitely effect my mindset day in and day out to the end of becoming a consistently profitable trader that will have financial freedom -- I just want to do this for a living because I love it so much and it is so ideal with everything I've been looking for, though I least expected trading would be the place I would end up after all my other pursuits.

I want to get this cut and dry, without implications (to be straight-forward and real with myself), because I want to shake and ground a good belief system for the best approach I can have in the markets from here, and I mostly just verbalize these things to myself, but now I'll have something more vivid to reflect on. Heck, might as well make it a habit to journal these to see where I've progressed and faltered.

Honestly I'm mostly doing this for myself, but I believe digging for the truth in myself can help others practice the same for themselves (if anyone else reads this) to the end of becoming the best trader they can be after facing their demons. Maybe this won't be as good as I think it will be, but I'm always thinking different approaches to finding myself as a trader and getting down an edge in the markets. A lot of rabbit trails may come along in this, but I just want to coach myself and express all frustrations, gain most insight on the real struggles instead of masqueraded ones, and just find out who I am and how I can reach my goals. It may not be the best, and definitely not the most elaborate approach, but I'm always trying to get traction for the right direction and mostly just think these things and forget about them and move on whether I've accomplished or been defeated as a result. Let's get after it, starting with venting.

 

I freakin' hate the pdt, lol. I'll be real. I have money I want to put on the line conservatively, but now I have to take up headspace on how position sizes will effect later trades. I want to be in the trade and solely focus on the process. I usually channel out the headspace it took up pretty well after I'm in the trade, but does that effect the mind I bring to the trade nonetheless? Alright, look. It can't be helped. The pdt is in place and can't be avoided. How can I come to peace with that? Accept it. How? Well, one thing is it can't be avoided until I grow my account by 1,250% from where I started. So I'll have to get a system down that can get me there. 

What is a system? I think a system is knowing the odds of outcome, and though not knowing what the outcome will be, knowing how to manage positions in deviations from those odds or letting the odds play out until you exit, will either result in a profit or a loss. If the risk is less than the reward, and odds are on your side, you'll be profitable - maybe not in one trade, but multiple trades with a similar setup. 

So I want to recognize what is working. What happens more often than not when price moves in a certain fashion in different timeframes. If people don't change, then that means the same thing can happen over and over again, forming patterns on a chart with people engaging it the same way. Sometimes I can't tell what is happening so that's something I want to stay away from. Or if something looks like it could be unfolding, but I don't quite recognize it, I want to keep an eye on it until something triggers familiarity before I can ever become comfortable with an entry. I need to know the odds of a pattern working for the place I am going to enter and know where I'm going to get out if I'm wrong or the pattern does something unfamiliar to me. Price action is king and can defy all odds and I want to be on guard for that and not fight against it. Maybe having a small size is a good start for either direction it can go to maintain mental cap for entering in more size when the time is right, or getting out the small position to re-analyze to see if I was on the right track or not in hindsight later. Maybe I can add another position in a winning trade since my average will be in my favor and my second entry's odds is greater than my starter or half position (or my second entry can average to a new risk area with comfortable wiggle room), then finding the likelihood of a good target to exit and considering a predictable area for extension and then re-entering once it comes back down after consolidating. I want to work in all possible angles with things that are working and positioning myself with capital and the right mindset that will make for great experiences to learn from for better entries and exits in the future, whether it be the same ticker minutes to days later, or another ticker altogether.

I want to have a flow-state in mind and be one with the markets. My previous approach was good for learning setups, but not good for my mindset due to bleeding capital. One of Tim's students mentioned a loss effects everyone negatively in some way no matter what they say. I was open to the idea after hearing that and started to get to the bottom of things. I found most of my trades are OTCs and no other platform than Schwab can forgive break-even trades as break-even capital. What you win as % increase in entry to exit, you have that amount going to your capital instead of worrying about making this % or that % to at least break even and finally beat. In a sense, since I knew there was an option for no commissions, I thought deeper into how well I can assess my approach by capital, entries, and exits alone with the chart. It lifted me above the hindrance of competing with commissions and had me focus more on the process alone. So ever since my first trade with Schwab from ETrade after having them on the backburner for months, I felt such a huge sense of relief and empowerment to capitalize on bringing the best possible mindset to trading without worrying about my account bleeding out in the process.

Going with the idea that my 3 days in trading with Schwab and having 31 orders with fills (poor sample, I know) as a gauge to comparing a good year for fund managers @ a 10% increase in their portfolio in 255 business days (in 2021), I've been able to increase mine by 1.2% which is over 10x faster than fund managers... granted the dollar amount is only a $34.03 increase, but I mention how many orders I made to show it was with different situations that I can only improve upon from here. It is all about the process and I like this perspective. Nothing to brag about to everyone else, but it really lightens my load as I am testing and still doing well % wise, all with minimal edge and still trying to find what works best while not only not bleeding, but having more capital to test, which gives me even more time to do what I love until I reach my goal and can do what I love longer.

Back to the bitter reality though, I'm not financially free. I have a day job I have to go to and I really really like the afternoon moves that I miss out on after the morning levels hold for the afternoon move. It is in hindsight, so I'm aware it can be biased, but I feel like I could place larger size with conviction, and not having time-restraints filling my headspace before work while I'm in a position would be nice too. But here's where it also gets a little more personal and what makes it more frustrating is that I work for my father-in-law, who owns a porta potty company, who's son has it by inheritance and puts in very minimal work (to put it graciously) while I bust my tail day in and day out before and more since a recent competitor sold out to a poorly managed nationwide company. Beforehand I talked my father-in-law to giving me the whole trading day, but I still need to pay the bills too so I can't trade all day as I desire. Anyways, the in-laws make gooood money and I was offered to partner with my brother-in-law, but I resolved I would only work alongside someone who will put in as much if not more effort than me. It's not about the money to me and I've been turning into a resentful person, as I can't come to peace that life isn't fair, even when I think of how good I have it compared to a great % of the world. So I have that poison seeping into my mind, even though I don't call it to mind often while trading, it still effects me and I don't know how to handle it until I am removed from the situation entirely. And yes, sometimes a taste of that freedom has taken me to drastic measures of considering my life more than once. Anyways, my side of the family is in TN, I'm in CA with my wife's and we don't see my family often and I feel distance and time is separating us more, which is sad, but trading is a way of getting that back along with other dreams that weren't possible to achieve until trading came along. 

Now I've been in the game for only about a year now, and have 2 to 4 to go until I can really know if this is for me or not. Profit chart would show overall profits and the previous uptrend was through the huge downside % panic dip buying strategy, so I know consistency can be found, but I'm excited to test out a lot of things until I find the most efficient and consistent approach among different market cycles that work to growing my small account to hurdling over the pdt rule.

I wish I was more detailed and critical in this post, but there will be more to come. Honestly I got over the emotions that compelled me to write this once I was in the "What is a system?" paragraph. Ultimately we just have to refine our approach to consistent setups until we become consistently profitable. A lot of familiarity to what is consistent comes through screen time, so that's what I'm about to do and I guess I'll see what's different in a couple of weeks. 

A recent 'aha' is Rande Howell's advice on regulating breathing to work with emotion instead of working against it like I can conquer it. We are not rational beings, but rationalizing beings that project our beliefs on the markets. So that just tells me to stay open and flexible to what can happen and just focus on what can be controlled, not outcome but the process of entering and exiting trades with a probabilistic mindset.